Taking a Study Break to Announce:

....I'M quiting school (* at least for now).

I shall elaborate....

I am overwhelmed * . I am guilty * . I am reminded * .

Going to school has been too much for me to handle, and handle it well * . I have turned into an A-or-else kind of gal which essentially is a good thing (since I have already done the "I could give a crap about school" thing), but it is wearing me down. I have realized that doing my best in some areas causes lack in others. That lack has been severe enough to cause guilt and a serious re-evaluation of my life.

On a few occasions this last semester, I have had my heart torn to shreds. When my sweet yet spit-fire five year old gently grabs (yes, I know that's an oxymoron) my face and pulls me down to her level, as to know she has my undivided attention, and looks at me deeply with her wild blue eyes....and says "Mama, I don't want you to go to school today. I want you to stay home with me. I don't ever get to see you." Oh, how that breaks my heart! When my 10 year old daughter comes home giggling about boys, I know in my heart that it's all in innocence, but I want to be fully available to guide her through awkward adolescence. When my son has a tummy ache and needs a day off of school, I want to completely understand that there's really no physical ailment - he just needs time to be with me. My sweet Hannah needs so much from me. She needs her mommy every day -her fully present mommy - to play with her, love her, and train her. When I see my children acting in ways that they know is not acceptable or perhaps the truth is, they have forgot what's right, because mommy hasn't been around to show them - that breaks my heart.

I am reminded lately by many lovely woman in my life...they have no idea how important or impactful they have been...I am reminded of something that I have always known but have seemed to lose sight of.

My identity lies with my Maker, and he created me to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. Those simple three words hid so much complexity. I am a lover. I am a teacher. I am a nurse. I am a psychologist. I am a cook. I am housekeeper. I am a singer. I am so many things. And because of my children, I am a dancer in my heart. This is what I chose, and this is what I was created for.

I am excited and relieved to do the thing that make me happy again. I am looking forward to field trips, school parties, playing "house" with my girls, building legos, reading books, learning to knit ;), writing....all the things I have been too tired to do.

I explained to my children that mommy is not a quitter. Actually, I'm quite the opposite. Through this all, I have learned what perseverance means. Sometime soon - or sometime far away, I will return to school to finish. But, maybe I won't. It's not important, at least for now.

Let It Snow!

God is good, real real good. Isn't it the neatest thing ever when he answers even our silliest of prayers. One of my best friends in the entire universe and her way awesome family just flew into Chicago from Hawaii last night. And this is what they flew into!

Ryan, Dulcy, Vanea, and Eli are YWAM missionaries in Hawaii...and they haven't seen snow in quite some time. What a great thing for them to be able to fly in and see snow all over the runway!

Don't they look like a fun family! I miss you Dulc, and I CAN'T WAIT to see you!

50 Questions About Christmas
(Because I can't think of anything else nice to write.)

1. Does your family send out Christmas cards?: No. But I always wanted to; I'm just to lazy. (I like recieving them ;)
2. How soon do you start shopping?: When do I like to start?...in the summer...when do I start...one week before.
3. Who do you shop for?: Family
4. Do you put up a Christmas tree?: yes
5. If so, is it fake or real?: fake...real ones make my husband crabby.
6. Do you like tinsel?: Nope.
7. Do you use homemade or store bought ornaments?: Both. My favorite kind are the ones my kiddos made from applesauce and cinnamon.
8. Do you put Christmas lights outside your house?: I'd like to, but again, makes the dear husband crabby.
9. Do you put lights on the tree?: My tree is "pre-lit." Nice, huh.
10. How about popcorn and cranberries?: I would love REAL cranberries...some day...maybe next year. We did popcorn a few years back...but the kids would just eat it off the tree...and now the dogs would.
11. Is there a wreath hanging on your doo?: On my doo? No. But on my door, yes.
12. Do you celebrate Christmas Eve?: Celebrate Christmas Eve? Isn't that kind of a silly question? Do you celebrate Thanksgiving Eve.? We do however, celebrate Christmas on the Eve.
13. Do you hang up your stocking?: For the kiddos.
14. Does your family read "Twas the night before Christmas?": Yes. And a few other wonderful books. This one, This one, and That one.
15. Christmas Movie: White Christmas...hands down favorite. I remember watching it with my grandpa.
16. Character from any Christmas Movie: Martha May Whovier
7. Christmas Song: Lo How a Rose E'er Blooming
8. Christmas Memory: getting Chicken Pox on Christmas.
19. Give or Receive?: I can't wait to give my kids their gift this year! Wii!
20. Eggnog or Cider?: Cider...or Chider
21. Red or Green?: Depends on the shades...hum, probably green.
22. Ham or Turkey?: Turkey
23. Star or Angel?: Neither...a big giant bow.
24. White Lights or Colored Lights?: clear lights
25. Blinking Lights or Still Lights: still
26. Were you Naughty or Nice this year?: always nice.
27. What do you want for Christmas this year?: a new mailbox and some wood for a raised garden bed. And a new vacuum.
28. When do you open your gifts?: Christmas morning.
29. What's the best gift you've ever gotten?: I've loved all my gifts. I really love the homemade ones from my kids. And My LOST t-shirt.
30. What's the worst gift you've ever gotten?: ??? They all have been pretty nice.
31. Who gives you the most gifts?: Mom and Dad
32. Have you ever had a secret Santa?: Yup.
33. Do you like wrapping gifts?: Yes, if I haven't waited until the last minute. I like making bows with real fabric ribbon.
34. Do you put change in those red buckets?: Yup.
35. Do you burn a yule log?: Nope.
36. Can you name all the reindeer?: Yes. But I'm not going to type them all.
37. Do you bake cookies?: Yes. I eat them too. And I hosted my first annual Cookie Exchange with some gals from the worship team from Mars Hill.

Here are some pictures of the event: And, yes that is a jeep you see!...the best presentation prize goes to Mrs. Mikrut (for her beautiful winter snow scene) and The Bantam Menace
(for her jeep"ness" sweetness...she loves 'em!)
*I'll post them here as soon as blogger fixes the problem.

38. Have you ever seen your mommy kissing Santa Clause?: Can't say that I have.
39. Have you ever gotten a kiss under the mistletoe?: I think so?
40. Do you go caroling?: I used to a lllloooonnnngg time ago...I would love to again.
41. Do you drive around and look at the Christmas lights?: Yes.
42. Have you ever left Santa cookies?: Yup.
43. Have you ever sat on Santa's lap?: Nope.
44. Who do you celebrate Christmas with?: In laws and out laws.
45. Where do you celebrate Christmas?: Their house, our house, and their house again.
46. Have you ever had a white Christmas?: Yes. And God, please let it be this year just for Eli and Vanea who are flying in their mom and dad from Hawaii (some of my favorite people in the world!)
47. What part of Christmas do you look most foward to?: Spending time with family, with Ryan and Dulcy, and eating the most delicate HORS DE VOURS.
48. Have you ever had your picture taken with Santa?: Nope.
49. Does your family always take a picture at Christmas?: Yup, at the Baumann's.
50. Have you ever heard the song "Thank God For Kids" by The Oakridge Boys?: No. Is that a trick question?

Crystal, I totally expect you to do this!

Best Grandpa in the World

My Grandpa Winstrom is simply amazing. He brings me so much joy and contentment. He delights in his children, his grandchildren, and his 8 great-grand children. He is so sick this week...he has a fever, snotty yuckness, and a terrible cough. He's a 88 year old man who likes and needs his naps. But, you know what? He's not taking his naps this week. He's stays awake all day long and prays for his grandson Matt and his wife Margo. Now that's an amazing grandpa.

Margo, grandpa is praying for you. Praying hard, and praying often.

Today

I didn’t ever want to write about super intimate thoughts...but writing for me is therapeutic. I never want to be a downer...I am a happy girl who has had a few little zingers thrown my way. Yet...here I write.....

I’m tired, I’m emotionally drained. I would like to take a nap. If I could open up our wii right now, I’d sit in front of the damn thing all day swinging the wiimote until Link rescues the Princess. Mindless fun.

First off, I just burnt a whole batch of cookies. Which isn’t a big deal, but it’s just a nussance. Now my house smells like burnt chocolate.

My two year old just spilled her cup of orange juice all over the floor. AND she’s being particularly whiny today. I know the Pearl’s would not put up with whininess...they’d take a tree branch to her little behind, nor would the Ezzo’s...they’d say that God wouldn’t allow it....and nor would Love and Logic...they’d “uh oh” her right off the planet. But you know what? I’m not them. I don’t like whining, but at this point, with this child, ignoring it is the best way. (Dulcy dear, that one’s for you...we have seriously got to write our book.....can you come up with a fabulous title?)

Thirdly, and more seriously, I am tired of unfinished conversations. Where important matters are just swept under the rug. Why can’t we talk about it? Why am I so afraid of bringing it up in person? E-mail sucks.

And finally, my beloved cousin and friend, Margo, is very sick. Matt, Margo, and their little girls are our summer two week camping buddies. You learn a lot about a person around late night campfires....I love both of them dearly. I have had so many tears this morning, and I have so many questions. Many I have the answers in my heart, but my brain can’t wrap around them.

What do you say to people when their loved one is very sick? What words and deeds of comfort can be offered? How do you begin to understand life and ultimately the possible reality of death without all the Christian clichés? If God is ultimately in control, why do I feel like I have to beg him with my prayers? Is it alright just to be silent? To not pray anything, to just groan in my soul.

Margo is sick. My grandpa is sick. My best-friend’s daughter has cancer. And I complain because I’m tired and have burnt cookies. Today I am skeptical, cynical, and sleepy....

God fill my heart with your joy. There are so many wonderful beautiful things about life to enjoy, to dwell on, to hold near my heart. Heal my sweet Margo so we can sit around the fire again...watching the flames flicker and talk about your goodness. And, God, if you’re going to take my grandpa home soon, I pray that it is with peace, dignity, and without pain. Continue to heal little Emily’s body, so that her precious mommy and daddy will learn soon that there is not even a .0000001% trace of cancer left.

“What was said now to the rose to make it unfold, was said to me here in my chest....so be quiet now and rest.” (D.C.)

*I didn't mean to bum you -my few readers -out and make you think that I am manic depressive (I'm so not)....this is life, this is real. And God is so good all the time. It helps me think things through to write...and why write and erase it? And I know God speaks through others, and ....I know that God hears my heart between the lines, and it feels very nice.